Careful. This lasagna contains six hours of resentment.
Serves six. Resents eight.
Good things. Bad attitudes.
75 things to buy instead of starting a fight in the family group chat. Find the one that makes you say “for fuck's sake, that's me.”
I followed the recipe until it got bossy.
The oregano and I are no longer taking orders.
No substitutions. No suggestions. No witnesses.
Dinner is served. This conversation is over.
I've burned myself for people who won't unload the dishwasher.
The oven has manners. Unlike some people.
Tonight's special: I should've ordered pizza.
Pairs beautifully with an open delivery app.
It's a fucking casserole, not a performance review.
Please save your notes for a restaurant that asked.
If you don't like it, congratulations. You're cooking tomorrow.
Congratulations on your promotion to head chef.
The secret ingredient is how much I hate doing this.
Made with love. And a frankly alarming amount of muttering.
This bathroom is a press release.
Our public relations team has done excellent work in here.
You're standing in the cleanest 40 square feet we own.
Enjoy the tour. This is the entire tour.
The fancy soap is for you. We use the cheap stuff.
Please appreciate the soap. It has been waiting years for this.
Please don't open anything with a hinge.
Some doors lead to Narnia. These lead to embarrassment.
ONE MORE THING TO IGNORE IN YOUR INBOXGet on the list.
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